Because I have recently moved into
university accommodation, I have been busy all week preparing for that. As a
result, I have not been able to watch the next film yet. However, I did not
want to leave you with nothing, so I decided to do an extra review for the last
film I watched instead. As it is an unofficial review, it does not count
towards the rankings at the end, and will not be coming up in the end-of-term
test. I still expect you to pay attention, of course! The film in question is…
Back when Pokemon was a worldwide craze,
as opposed to being rather popular like it is today, wars were fought in
playgrounds everywhere over which was better: Pokemon, or rival series,
Digimon. The rivalry extended to film as well. When Pokemon: the First Movie
was released in cinemas and made a lot of money, 20th Century Fox
decided they wanted a piece of the pie and set about making a Digimon film. The
catch was that there were no feature-length Digimon films to dub. However,
there were three films released in Japan, lasting 20 minutes, 40 minutes and 1
hour respectively. The solution was to cobble these three films together, cut
the result down to 75 minutes, and add in some way of connecting the three
stories. The result is what we know in the Western world as Digimon: The Movie.
Before the film begins, there is an
Angela Anaconda cartoon, in which she goes to the cinema to watch Digimon and
fantasizes about becoming Angelamon. At the risk of angering any Angela
Anaconda fans, it is hideous! This is what’s inside the Ark of the Covenant
that made the Nazis’ faces melt! And the voices. Oh God, the voices! This is
what you get when you cross nails on a chalkboard, babies crying, Rebecca Black’s
Friday and a lynch mob, then play it backwards while torturing someone! In that
scenario, the torture isn’t even necessary, it’s just salt in the wound. Next
up is the Digi Rap, in which most of the words are prefixed with Digi. It’s
unbelieveably Digi-cheesy, but after the Digi-I don’t know what even, it’s definitely
the lesser of two evils.
Chibimon
The first story, set four years before
the first series, acts as a pilot episode, detailing the Digidestined’s first
encounter with Digimon. Li’l Kari finds an egg coming out of her dad’s computer
in the middle of the night and keeps it as a pet after it hatches into a cute
widdle bear head thing (I assure you, it isn’t nearly as gruesome as it
sounds.) Kari and her brother Li’l Tai keep the cute widdle bear head thing a
secret from their mother until it evolves into a giant Agumon (yellow lizard
that is totally not Digimon’s version of Charmander. It’s tail isn’t on fire,
you see) and goes on a rampage with Li’l Kari riding on its back. Another egg
comes out of the sky and hatches into a big mean parrot Digimon that can fire
electricity from its head feathers. The parrot attacks giant Agumon, which
evolves into giant Greymon (Agumon, but bigger, meaner and wearing a brown
helmet) to protect Li’l Kari and then fires its laser, baaaaah! The laser is so
powerful that both the parrot and giant Greymon are killed by it, leaving a
wrecked Japanese street in their wake. Nobody is particularly disturbed by this
as giant monster battles are commonplace in Japan. They’re so commonplace that
the Japanese have a name for when giant monsters wreck cities while fighting
each other: Tuesday.
Wargames
This story is set between the first two
series, featuring the cast of the first series. Resident computer geek Izzy has
discovered a virus digimon named Keromon (think grey bipedal squid with a round
head and permanent shit-eating grin) that is eating the internet, so he warns
Tai about it and the two send in their Digimon, the robot ladybird Tentomon and
regular, non-giant Agumon, to fight it. Unfortunately, by the time they get
there, Keromon has filled up on cat pictures, porn and people complaining that
Ridley and Mewtwo aren’t in Smash Bros 4, enabling it to evolve into its
ultimate form, Infermon (a cross between a spider, a peanut and a tank.)
Infermon is smart enough to attack Agumon and Tentomon in the middle of their
evolution sequences and then do a runner.
Tai and Izzy decide to get help from the
other Digidestined, but only Matt and TK are available, as well as their
Digimon, Gabumon (Bipedal wolf) and Patamon (Potato with bat wings for ears). When
it comes time for the rematch, Infermon evolves into his final form, Diaboromon
(Orc with noodle limbs), prompting Agumon and Gabumon to evolve into their mega
forms, WarGreymon (Armoured knight dinosaur) and MetalGarurumon (Badass cyborg
wolf). Tentomon and Patamon do their best Krillin impression, meaning they get
stomped in one hit to show how powerful the bad guy is, but WarGreymon and
MetalGarurumon are able to hold their own, at least until the connection lags
and Tai accidentally turns the computer off trying to fix it. Stupid Tai! Diaboromon
takes the opportunity to pound on WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon while the
computer’s off, then goes about multiplying himself and setting nukes to blow
up Japan and Colorado. Tai and Matt are somehow able to get inside the computer
to support their Digimon thanks to the Power of Friendship (I would have
preferred a Tron reference, but oh well.) The moral support enables WarGreymon
and MetalGarurumon to combine into Omnimon and kill all the clones with his
bitchin’ arm cannon. (“This is my BOOMSTICK!”) Soon, only the original
Diaboromon is left, but he’s too fast for Omnimon, so Izzy slows him down by
redirecting emails towards Diaboromon, causing him to lag. It is worth noting
that this is the only recorded instance of someone shouting “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
being actually kinda badass. Diaboromon spends the final moments of his
existence paralyzed by Nigerian prince scams and Viagra adverts before Omnimon
rams a sword through his head. This also deactivates the nukes, revealing that
not playing isn’t the only way to win. That’ll teach Diaboromon he needs to
shop smart, shop S-Mart. There’s also a subplot involving Tai trying to
apologise to his love interest Sora after an argument.
Digimon Sora is not to be confused with
Kingdom Hearts Sora. Speaking of Kingdom Hearts, Kari is also not to be confused
with Kairi. Goodness knows I’ve done it often enough.
Unfortunately, while this subplot is
kinda cute, it ends up counting for nothing if you’re familiar with Digimon,
because of THAT FUCKING SEASON 2 EPILOGUE WHERE SORA AND MATT GET TOGETHER AND
HAVE CHILDREN DESPITE NOTHING IN THE SERIES INDICATING THAT THEY LIKE EACH
OTHER, WHEN SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH TAI BECAUSE THEY WERE TOTALLY INTO EACH
OTHER! I MEAN, WHY WOULD SET SOMETHING UP, AND THEN DECIDE LOL NO, WE’LL DO THE
COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF THAT! THEN THEY HAD THE GALL TO NOT LET TK AND KARI OR JOE
AND MIMI GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES EITHER! GOD, I’M SO ANGRY NOW I NEED TO GO
BREAK SOMETHING!
I’d Rather Have a Bowl of Kokomon
Phew. I feel much better now. I must
have been really angry to split apart into three different people, huh? Anyway,
I’m sorry you had to see me lose my temper like that, so let’s get into the
third and final story. This one features the cast of season 2.
This story begins shortly after the
defeat of Diaboromon. A kid in Colorado named Willis goes running in a cornfield
to celebrate not being nuked into oblivion, along with his two digimon
Terriermon (Despite the name suggesting a dog, it’s a rabbit with helicopter
ears,) and Kokomon (a purple palette swap of Terriermon). The run is ruined,
not by the Children of the Corn, but by an evil wind that spirits Kokomon away.
At least it isn’t M Night Shamamalama’s evil wind that makes people commit
suicide. What a tweest!
Years later, Willis is being stalked by
the now evil Kokomon, who has since evolved into a giant bear wearing a Viking helmet,
and keeps saying to go back to the beginning. I’m not rewinding dude, the
beginning is where the Angela Anaconda cartoon and the Digi Rap are. Fuck that
shit! Willis decides to go back to Colorado, and invites the season 2
Digidestined to go with him. While they travel, Willis explains that he got
greedy and wanted a third digimon, so he tried to create one, but he ended up
with Diaboromon and we all know how that turned out. Kokomon shows up and
evolves into his mega form, which is so powerful, he can turn back time. He
uses this power to turn all the Digidestined and their Digimon into babies,
before eating Terriermon and team leader Davis’ Digimon, Veemon (a blue imp
dinosaur thing.) Inside Kokomon, Terriermon and Veemon find a virus, which is
the evil wind that made Kokomon evil, so they evolve into gold forms and
destroy it, killing Kokomon from the inside. Fortunately, since Kokomon is a
good Digimon, or was before the whole evil wind thing, he gets to be
reincarnated just in time to rave to the song from the start of Shrek. Hooray!
As I mentioned earlier, Digimon: the
Movie is three films cobbled together, with the character of Willis being added
to the first two stories in order to tie in the third story. The first story is
made rather unfriendly for series newcomers and parents, thanks to Kari’s narration
explaining in detail what Willis is doing right now without explaining who
Willis is or why he’s relevant. We don’t need to know about Willis yet, because
he’s irrelevant to the first story. Still, at least the film tries to
accommodate for people other than Digi-Fans, which is more than you can say for
the Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh movies. Willis’ involvement in the second story isn’t
as obnoxious or forced. Here, he’s a friend of Izzy’s who contacts him via
email, and Izzy doesn’t feel the need to talk about him constantly as if he has
a man-crush on Willis.
The second segment is easily the best of
the three. This one has the best villain and the best fight scenes, and there’s
a sense of scale and urgency to the threat that is lacking from the other two
stories. There’s also a nice cel-shading effect to the animation for the scenes
inside the computer, which helps it stand out more visually. Besides that, this
one can be actually pretty funny at times, with Tai in particular getting some
good jokes, like the egg scene and this dialogue:
Izzy: Willis is the smartest kid I know.
He’s in elementary school, but he takes classes in Colorado State!
Tai: (Clearly unimpressed) So what? I’m
in junior high and I take classes in junior high.
And this one:
Tai: (Talking about Keromon) Why not
click on it and press delete?
Izzy: Don’t you think I’ve already tried
that?!?
The fact that this story managed to be
funny is weird when you consider that the attempts at humour in the other two
stories elicit more groans than chuckles. The first segment has a different art style to the rest of the series, with the characters being really short with big heads. They're adorable!
Overall, Digimon: the Movie isn’t all
that bad, to be fair. Then again, a lot of my goodwill is directed towards the
second story, which is significantly better than the other two. Personally, I
wouldn’t have minded for the English release seeing this story expanded to
feature length, using the 40 minute Japanese version as a base. There’s enough
potential there that it could have possibly been done. If anyone wants to watch the film, I recommend you watch the second segment, and possibly the first one, as it is the shortest of the three, but skip the third segment, and the terribad opening bits.
I hope you enjoyed this diversion, but there
will be a proper Marvel review soon. I apologise for being too busy to do one
this week thanks to other things, and as punishment I will follow Kokomon’s
advice and go back to the beginning. Angela Anaconda cartoon and the Digi Rap,
here I come!
Fun Facts:
1. The original plan for the film was to
include only the first two stories, which would have been combined for a
cinematic release, with the third being released in full on video. This plan
was shot down by the Fox executives, and the third story was added to the film
in a heavily cut-down form. Most notably, an entire subplot involving Kokomon
kidnapping the Season 1 Digidestined and turning them into babies was removed.
2. Digimon: the Movie made minor film
history with regard to the voice actors’ pay. Normally, dubbing voice actors
didn’t get residuals, but the Screen Actors Guild felt that they should this
time because they felt the changes made to the three Japanese films qualified
Digimon: the Movie as an original work.
3. Remember when Google Images made you click on numbered pages for images instead of having them all together? Back then, if you typed in Sora without specifying which one, Digimon Sora didn't appear for the first time until page 8. Pages 1 to 7 were dedicated to Kingdom Hearts Sora.
4. If you look into a bathroom mirror,
with the bathroom lit by candle light, and say “Angela Anaconda” three times,
Angela Anaconda will appear in the bathroom and force you to watch as she eats
your soul. Then she will steal your shoes and flush them down the toilet and
cut all phone connections so that you can’t call a plumber to fix it.
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