Movie 43 (2013)

Movie 43 (2013)

Date: January 25, 2013

So there I was, on my way home from the shoe factory where my dad works. He said today would be the last time he’d let me go there to hide from the bullies who keep beating me up, and he wouldn’t let me go there again until I’d stood up to the bullies. I was also very worried that I would imminently be going to boarding school and taken away from my family while I was there. I had a lot to think about and took my time going home when I heard it - A drumming noise coming from a nearby construction site. I stopped to listen to the noise, as it didn’t sound like a jackhammer at all, but tribal drums. I snuck onto the site to investigate, following the drumming as it grew louder. I found the source of the drumming to be coming from inside a crumbling wall. I pulled an object out of the wall and examined it. It was a DVD of a film called Movie 43. Curiosity overtook me as I wondered why someone would hide a DVD inside a wall, and so I took it with me to watch. As the grotesque variety show unfolded before me, I cursed to the heavens my inability to ignore my curiosity and leave this accursed artefact where it lay.

The film takes the form of a series of sketches connected with a wraparound storyline involving a search for the eponymous Movie 43, and each sketch taking the form of a film they watch during their search. Each scene features big name actors doing something that is either hugely offensive, nauseating or both. The appeal seems to be in seeing just how far the film can cross the line of good taste with AAA actors in tow.

The main body of the film is based around two brothers convincing their younger brother to search for the fictitious Movie 43 on their computer while they upload viruses to his computer as a prank. The prank takes a turn for the worse when Movie 43 turns out to be real, the Russian Mafia and the Triads both want it, and the whole thing escalates to a nuclear holocaust. In the meantime, one of the brothers is driven oedipally insane from the revelation that he masturbated to his own mother while visiting a porn site to infect the younger brother’s computer. The Oedipus Rex allusion isn’t in the film, I added that for the sake of having some shred of culture here.

Now for the sketches, which I’ll run through in order:

·         Ball Chin Man: Remember that alien from Men in Black 2 who had testicles on his chin? Replace the alien with Hugh Jackman and you’ve got this sketch. Every piece of testicle related humour you could care to come up with is present and correct, and although it’s got the gross-out part down pat, the humour is lacking. This sketch is like watching an entire series worth of one character’s Little Britain sketches one after the other, as opposed to one in each episode. It gets old fast, and this one wasn’t funny to begin with.

·         Home Schooling: A husband and wife sing the virtues of home schooling to their friends, while also ensuring that their son is given an authentic high school experience. They go above and beyond the call of duty in this regard. This sketch has the potential to be funny, but it runs into the same problem of exhausting a series worth of sketches in one scene, which ends up running too long and killing the joke. The punchline is also rather weak and doesn’t connect to the theme of the sketch prior. The son goes on a date with his girlfriend, a mop with a crudely drawn face on it, the joke being that the son has been psychologically messed up his abusive parents. I came up with an alternative  punchline which ties in to the school theme, and sees the son coming downstairs wearing a black trenchcoat and saying something ominous as he reaches inside. Admittedly, implying a school shooting is extremely dark humour, and it’s for the best the film didn’t go with something like this, as I doubt it would have the restraint to stop before showing the deed. There’s also the fact to consider that even if the act isn’t shown like in my idea here, a school shooting joke would be in poor taste following recent events, and possibly in general.     LAUGH COUNT – 1 (The father opening the shower curtain while the son’s there, then telling his wife to come in and laugh.)

·         Bathroom in the Bedroom: The requisite toilet humour sketch. If you’ve ever wanted to see Chris Pratt tell his girlfriend to hurry up and let him go to the toilet over her, today is your lucky day! That says everything you need to know about this one. All I can I add is a warning not to watch it while eating. In fact, I’ll go one further and say don’t watch it at all, because I’m considerate like that.

·         Dirty Laundry: A supermarket cashier has an increasingly sexual argument with his ex-girlfriend that gets broadcast over the shop’s tannoy system. A funny idea that doesn’t quite hit the mark due to being dragged out too long. At least this one feels like one sketch and not several sketches strung out one after the other, and the ending is rather nice, if abrupt.

·         Total Recall: A technology company’s board of directors hold an emergency meeting about safety concerns posed by their newest product, the iBabe – an MP3 player shaped like a life-size naked woman. I’m sure you can see where this is going.    LAUGH COUNT – 2 (Kate Bosworth as the only sane employee protesting the madness going on around her.)

·         BatDate: Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman sabotage Robin’s speed dates, before letting him get together with Supergirl after he saves her from the Penguin, but only because she’s actually the Riddler in disguise, and he and Penguin were in on the joke. LAUGH COUNT – 3 (“His jizz was like a shotgun blast!” A disgusting line, but I laughed at it despite myself for how sudden it is.)

While we’re on the subject, maybe you’d like to hear about my superhero slash fic, 

Batman X Superman: Dawn of Just-Us. No? Okay then.

·         Ghost in the Machine: Little known fact: Photocopiers are operated by little children living inside, and if you shout at the machines, you make the children cry. There’s an absurd idea here, but no joke to go with it, which is a shame, as this is another sketch with wasted potential.

·         You’re Becoming a Woman: A teenage girl has her first period, while her friend, her friend’s brother, and both their fathers panic like headless chickens about what to do. Like the Chris Pratt sketch, this succeeds in being gross, but not at being funny.

·         Luck of the Irish: Johnny Knoxville gets his friend a special birthday present – A foul-mouthed leprechaun played by Gerard Butler. Again, the concept is there, but nothing is done with it. LAUGH COUNT – 4 (Leprechaun Leonidas is worth a chuckle for the image alone. Leprechaunidas, if you will.)

·         IT’S A PRANK BRO!: Stephen Merchant and Halle Berry challenge each other to an escalating prank war in lieu of a traditional date. LAUGH COUNT – 5 (Halle Berry blowing out the candles on a blind boy’s birthday cake crosses the line of good taste to the point that it goes back around and becomes the funniest part of the film. That’s not saying much admittedly, but at this point I’ll take what I can get.)

·         You’re the Best Around: A parody of inspirational speeches in sports films that let the plucky underdogs overcome the odds and win the championship. This one falls flat because there are only so many ways that a basketball coach can rephrase “You’re black, they’re white. We’ve got this.”

·         Cat Scratch Fever: Incest. Child abuse. Racism. Scatology. You may be wondering if there are any taboos left that Movie 43 hasn’t covered. It is now that you realise, horror dawning upon your countenance that there hasn’t been a bestiality sketch yet. Thus you breathe a sigh of relief as the credits start to roll, accompanied by outtakes from each sketch. Maybe it’ll be OK after all. However, the alarm bells start to ring when one of these outtakes includes Elizabeth Banks, who did not appear in any of the previous sketches, and you would notice Elizabeth Banks (I would anyway, she’s a celebrity crush of mine.) We’re in for a surprise akin to Big Boss being credited in Metal Gear Solid 4 just before his appearance, but significantly less pleasant than that, as you scream to the heavens when the sketch begins. We were so close!

Elizabeth Banks is tormented by her boyfriend’s pet cat, who wants her gone when she threatens to come between them. As the extent of the cat’s obsession for his owner becomes clear, this final sketch makes itself the most tasteless of the film, which is a high bar to clear after Chris Pratt’s sketch.

You may have noticed a theme in this run down. Movie 43 aims to be as offensive as possible, but most of the time, that comes at the expense of humour. The lack of humour comes about due to a few reasons. In some cases, the joke is dragged out for too long and any humour that could have been there is exhausted as you wait for the sketch to end. In some cases, the idea is there, but the film doesn’t go far enough with it. There’s no meat on the bones, so to speak. For a detestable few, they’re simply too appalling to be funny, mistaken in the belief that shock value is funny in and of itself. What little potential there is to be found here is stuck in a film that’s simply far too awful to persevere with.

After the unfortunate demise of Elizabeth Banks at the hands of a group of children wielding plastic forks, the credits began again. I whispered a short phrase, audible to nobody but myself.

“Movie 43” I said.

The credits continued with no sign of another sketch beginning.

“Movie 43!” I shouted with relief as the credits came to an end. The film rewound itself, putting everything back to the way it was, and upon reaching the beginning once more, the DVD ejected itself. The nightmare was over, but I could not bear the idea of anyone else suffering the way I had done for the last 90 minutes. I could not take the DVD back to the construction site where I found it, as if I could find it, someone else could do the same. No, a more permanent solution was required. Therefore, on a cold winter’s night, I wrapped up warm and headed outside, Movie 43 in tow. I found a bridge overlooking a river and crossed it, only to stop halfway across. I moved to the edge of the bridge and without a moment’s hesitation, I threw the DVD into the water, watching as the current swept it away. I waited until the drums could be heard no more, at which point I returned home, content that this film would not find its way into my life again, and wondering if this meant I would grow up to marry Elizabeth Banks.

If you ever find yourself near a body of water when you start to hear a tribal drumbeat, I urge you not to investigate. Keep your curiosity under control and move on with your day. For as long as the drums ring in your ears, run!

2/10