Smash Battles for Fun and Profit

Smash Battles for Fun and Profit

With a massive roster of characters, Super Smash Bros provides endless possibilities for characters to fight each other. Naturally, you may want to come up with some sort of theme or connection with the characters you select to belt seven shades out of each other. Here are a few I made earlier.

Sega Does What Nintendon’t

Muda Muda Muda!

Take a trip down memory lane with this match-up to settle the console wars once and for all. It’s like 1993 never ended!

Fighters: Mario, Sonic

Theme Music: World 1-1 for Mario or Green Hill Zone for Sonic

No Items, Fox Only, Final Destination

You knew this was coming. Don’t try to deny it.

Fighters: As many foxes as you can.

Theme Music: What Does the Fox Say?

Waifu Wars

This instalment saw the addition of multiple new female fighters. Several were already popular candidates for waifus, hailing as they do from more niche Nintendo franchises such as Kid Icarus and Fire Emblem. Indeed, the latter has recently shifted focus from real-time strategy to waifu simulator, since the new approach starting with Fire Emblem Awakening drew more attention than the old one ever did. Their inclusion in Smash has given these characters attention from a much bigger audience than their home games granted them, which means so many more people to lust over them. Yay?

Fighters: Palutena, Lucina, Rosalina, Bayonetta, Wii Fit Trainer, Princess Peach, Zelda, Zero Suit Samus

Theme Music: I Could Never Be His Waifu

Husbando Hootenanny

In the interest of gender equality, it’s only fair to set up a fight between the male equivalent of waifus to determine the best husbando. Fun fact: all of these characters, at least in their Smash incarnations, have become gay icons. It must be the rippling muscles and testosterone for days. Just imagine what would happen if Ryu had his hunky beard from Street Fighter V in this game!

Fighters: Captain Falcon, Ganondorf, Ryu, Bowser, Ike, Little Mac, Shulk, Pit (The last two are the pretty ones, the rest form the Bara Beefcake Buff Bois Brigade)

Theme Music: YMCA

Console Wars, Round 2

Link VS Cloud is one of the greatest rivalries you can find, up there with Coca Cola VS Pepsi, Mickey Mouse VS Bugs Bunny, or McDonalds VS Burger King. The reason why this rivalry is so heated is that it’s essentially a proxy for Zelda: Ocarina of Time, considered one of the best games on Nintendo 64, VS Final Fantasy VII, considered one of the best games on Playstation. This means that by extension, it’s a new front for the Console Wars, representing the balance of power shifting away from Sega and towards Sony by the end of the 90s.

Fighters: Link, Cloud

Theme Music: Gerudo Valley for Link, Those Who Fight Further for Cloud

Ow the Edge

Nintendo may be known for a colourful, optimistic and family-friendly image, but this rogue’s gallery shows that they can get edgy with the best of them when they want to. From the angsty goth stylings of Dark Pit and Mewtwo, to Shadow trying too hard to be badass, and Mega Charizard, the fanfiction OC Pokemon that somehow became official, there’s something for everyone here. The winner gets to go over to Playstation All Stars Battle Royale and challenge Reboot Dante for the title of Edgelord! But be warned, he’s not giving up the crown without a fight!

Fighters: Dark Pit, Mewtwo, Mega Charizard X (Charizard’s Final Smash), Shadow the Edge – I mean, Hedgehog (Assist trophy)

Theme music: Linkin Park – Crawling in my Skin

Tactical Espionage Action

Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Solid Snake, the greatest son of Big Boss, and Raiden, the cyborg ninja who looked up to him? Unfortunately, you’re going to have to keep wondering, as Snake didn’t return from Brawl, and Raiden isn’t in the game. Unless you make Miis in their image, that is. In case you’re wondering, Raiden wins by default in canon since he’s still alive as of the end of Metal Gear Rising, while Snake dies offscreen between Metal Gear Solid 4 and Metal Gear Rising. Why did I even suggest this one?

Fighters: Solid Snake (Mii Gunner), Raiden (Mii Swordfighter)

Theme music: Oh wait, now I know why I suggested this. It’s so I could have an excuse to talk about Rules of Nature!

Animu Sordgai Showdown

What is it with Japan and pretty boys with spiky/blue hair (delete as appropriate) and swords? I don’t know, but what I do know is that there are enough of them in Smash that you can have fun making them all duke it out to see who’s the prettiest one of all.

Fighters: Link, Marth, Ike, Cloud, Shulk, Roy

Disqualified: Toon Link (He’s not animu enough), Lucina (She’s an animu sordgal)

Theme Music: Sword Art Online –Swordland. What better theme for a battle of animu sordgais than the theme song of Kirito, the archetypal animu sordgai all other animu sordgais aspire to be like?

Top Kek

This match is for memefags like me who wanted characters like Shrek, Goku and Cory in Smash. We should be thankful for the inclusion of Miis, which let us put whoever we want in the game. For maximum memeage, the fight would not be complete without Lanky Kong. The other memes better watch out, as they’ll be in big trouble once Lanky is able to Expand Dong. HE has no style, HE has no grace, this Kong will smash your face!

Fighters: Lanky Kong (Donkey Kong’s orange with blue tie palette) and whatever meme characters you want.

Theme song: City Escape Megamix, Spooky Scary Skeletons, Space Jam, or Darude - Sandstorm

Misty and Brock were the Best Companions

Like any long-running franchise, Pokemon has a rabid section of the fanbase that insists it was only good when it first came out and started to suck once they grew up. These fans are called Genwunners, and will happily tell you that they’ve run out of ideas for new Pokemon because there are now Pokemon based on inanimate objects such as ice cream, bin bags and keys. (Don’t bother telling them there have always been Pokemon based on inanimate objects, such as Magnemite the magnet Pokemon and Exeggcute the egg Pokemon. They get a pass for nostalgia reasons.) These fans worship as their patron saints Charizard and Mewtwo, the original badass Pokemon. What happens when their thrones are challenged by the new upstarts, Lucario and Greninja? With Pokemon celebrating its 20^th anniversary this year, there’s no better time than now to find out.

Fighters: Charizard and Mewtwo VS Lucario and Greninja

Theme song: The Elite Four Champion theme. Gen 1 here, Gen 4 here, Gen 6 here

Stiff Upper Lip

As the only fighters who have British accents, Shulk and Bayonetta are a refined gentleman and lady who find all this fighting rather nonsensical. Why can’t they just sit back in their favourite armchairs with a steaming hot cup of tea and a plate of fish and chips and discuss typical British topics of conversation such as the Beatles, Doctor Who and poor dental hygiene?

Fighters: Shulk, Bayonetta

Theme Song: God Save the Queen

Super Smash Bros for Wii U and Nintendo 3DS, but Mainly 3DS and Knuckles: Featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry Series

Super Smash Bros for Wii U and Nintendo 3DS, but Mainly 3DS

and Knuckles: Featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry Series

Super Smash Bros represents in equal part a fun party fighting game with Nintendo characters and a celebration of Nintendo’s history. They don’t come around often, and because of that each new game feels like an event. The fourth entry in the series is no exception. What is new this time around is that the series makes its handheld debut, being released on the Nintendo 3DS as well as the Wii U. Both versions have features unique to them, but as I have the 3DS version, I will be discussing that here, while taking the opportunity to note that the Wii U version allows for up to 8 players to smash at once, while the 3DS version offers 4 player support.

Fortunately, the 3DS version is not short-changed and treated as a cut-down port. Instead, it gets a separate release that plays to the strengths of the 3DS and sets itself apart from the Wii U version. The Wii U version is built more around multiplayer due to being a home console and allowing for several people to get together and play on one console, whereas the 3DS version takes its portable nature into consideration and places more emphasis on single player content. This is most notable in the 3DS exclusive mode Smash Run, in which players are given 5 minutes to traverse a map collecting stat boosts and battling enemies from various Nintendo games. When the time is up, you must go up against 3 opponents in a challenge that puts your stats to use. Sometimes, this will be a battle between the competitors with a new rule such as giants one hit Kos, a timed challenge to defeat as many enemies as possible, or a race. This mode earns gold that can be used to buy trophies, as well as equipment, custom moves and power ups to make future Smash Runs easier. This mode is available to play alone and with other players, each using their own 3DS. There are also shared modes with the Wii U version, such as the arcade mode, in which your selected character battles through five rounds to a confrontation with Master Hand, All Star Mode, in which you must fight every character in the game in the order they were introduced, and minigames such as hitting a sandbag for distance, using bombs to destroy targets, and a pin ramming game that’s almost identical to Tin Pin Slammer from The World Ends With You.

The character selection is vast, with 58 characters to choose from. Just about every major Nintendo hero is here, along with several villains and side characters, and guest characters not owned by Nintendo, such as Sonic and Mega Man. A lot of them, particularly the newcomers, have some kind of gimmick associated with them. For example, Mega Man fights primarily with different kinds of projectiles, Little Mac is devastatingly fast and powerful in ground combat and has a guaranteed one hit KO punch that charges up over time, with the catch of terrible air combat and the worst recovery in the game, and Rosalina is accompanied with a Luma that she can order to attack independently of her or use as a shield. The Miis are an excellent choice, as they allow players to create whoever they want and put them in the game, but unfortunately they can’t be used online, presumably because Nintendo thought everyone would make Hitler Miis. Also worth noting is that a lot of the newcomers this time around are from newer games, which is a good thing as it allows the game to better celebrate all of Nintendo’s history, while previous entries put more emphasis on older Nintendo games and neglected what was current at the time.

There’s no faulting the quantity, although a few of the choices seem weird. The biggest sticking point is Fire Emblem, which shoots up from two characters in prior entries to six in this one, ranking it second behind only Mario in terms of franchises with the most characters. More frustrating is that 3 of them are clones of each other with a shared moveset but different attributes, and it’s the only franchise to get more than one DLC character, with Corrin being included as an advertisement for their game, Fire Emblem Fates, which isn’t even out yet. Cloud also seems out of place, as he’s more associated with Playstation, but he, and by extension the entire Final Fantasy franchise, is now effectively off limits should Playstation All Stars Battle Royale get a sequel. Nintendo could, and possibly should, have chosen someone from a Final Fantasy game that’s actually been on a Nintendo console. A few characters from Brawl don’t make the cut, but they’re not missed, due to being very minor characters, hailing from well-represented franchises, or in Solid Snake’s case, being out of place in the same way Cloud is in this game. Wolf is the only cut whose absence is felt, and that’s only because Falco came back ahead of him, despite Wolf being the more unique of the space furry clones.

Unlike traditional fighting games, Super Smash Bros doesn’t use a health bar. Instead, each character has a percentage that starts at 0 and increases as they take damage. The higher a fighter’s percentage, the further attacks will knock them away. The aim is to knock fighters off the stage far and fast enough that they can’t get back on and fall off the screen. Matches can be played in Stock, where each fighter has a set amount of lives and the winner is the last one standing, or Timed, in which fighters must compete to get the highest score within a time limit, (The default is 2 minutes) gaining 2 points for each  KO and losing 1 point each time they fall. Think of it as a faster-paced, less disciplined version of sumo wrestling. This basic setup is spiced up with the addition of items, which appear on the stage at regular intervals and serve a variety of purposes, including weapons such as a baseball bat that makes an immensely satisfying sound when a swing hits another fighter, a hammer that makes the user flail wildly while it’s used, and a lightsab – sorry, Beam Sword. Other items include food to restore health, Assist Trophies that release a Nintendo character to help you when opened, Poke Balls which do the same thing as Assist Trophies but obviously you’re guaranteed a Pokemon inside, Smash Balls which allow the fighter who grabs it to use their Final Smash, an extremely powerful attack or transformation that can seal the game for a leading player or let a straggler even the odds, and the really overpowered items, such as a space ship and beetle, which both carry one unlucky opponent off the stage, and the Gust Bellows, which blow a powerful gust of wind towards your opponents that lasts a very long time and makes it extremely difficult for even the most agile fighters to get back onto the stage, as well as severely increasing the likelihood of your friends wanting nothing more to do with you. Fortunately for those of us who value our friends and would rather keep them if at all possible, the extensive item menu allows you to play with items entirely on or off, or select individual items to disable.

The stages must also be taken into consideration when battling. These backdrops, taken from various Nintendo games, can pose as much of a danger as the other fighters. Some, such as the Reset Bomb Forest from Kid Icarus Uprising, will change their layout as the fight progresses, meaning you’ll have to pay attention so that you don’t fall after failing to notice that the ground beneath you has just vanished. Others, such as N’s Castle from Pokemon Black and White, will have characters appear in the background and interact with the stage and fighters. In this case, the legendary Pokemon Reshiram and Zekrom will attack the stage with their Fusion Bolt and Fusion Flare attacks, covering the centre of the stage in fire or destroying the bridges to the sides. Between stages, items and the other fighters, there is a lot to deal with, and it can be overwhelming to keep track of at times, particularly for new players. This is why Omega Mode is a great idea. Much like the item switches, this option will switch off any stage interactivity and change the stage layout to a flat plain. This can be useful for introducing someone to the game by easing them in and giving them less things to worry about, which is particularly important for the 3DS version with its smaller screen. This option is also much appreciated by those players who favour competitive play and want to test their skill in a pure battle without the unpredictability the regular stages can provide. This split also applies online, where upon entering you can choose to play For Fun (unranked matches with items and interactive stages on) or For Glory (Ranked matches, items off, Omega Mode on. In other words, No Items, Fox Only, Destination! Although contrary to what the meme insists, you can use characters besides Fox.)

It is worth getting to grips with the game, as the combat is fast-paced and weighty, with each hit having some impact behind it, in contrast to Brawl which feels very floaty and slow after playing this game. However, the game is also able to strike a balance and avoid being so fast that it’s difficult to follow, an issue that gave Melee a very high entry barrier and made it unfriendly to newcomers. The character roster is also the most balanced it’s ever been, despite being the largest in the series. Of course, character tiers still remain, and winning as, say, Jigglypuff or Zelda will be tougher than winning with the likes of Sheik or Zero Suit Samus, but every character is viable, and there are no utterly useless characters you should never use under any circumstances like Melee Kirby and Brawl Ganondorf, or characters so overpowered you’d be a fool not to use them, like Melee Fox or Brawl Meta Knight.

Smartly, only a handful of stages are shared between the two versions of the game. The rest are unique to either the 3DS or Wii U version, with the Wii U version’s stages tending to be based on Nintendo’s home console games, while the 3ds version’s stages draw from their handheld back catalogue. This decision means that there is exclusive content for both versions, and helps the 3DS version in particular stand out as a companion game in its own right, as opposed to a second-rate cash-in. For those who have both a Wii U and a 3DS, there are valid reasons to buy both versions of the game because of the different features they provide – a rarity for games released on more than one console.

For Nintendo fans, Super Smash Bros is an essential purchase. Of course, if you are you already knew that, as from Melee onwards, the series has been renowned as a love letter to Nintendo, and you’ve probably already bought several copies. For anyone else, it comes highly recommended, with fast, frantic action that’s ideal to play in a bite-sized portable format and offers mountains of content stuffed onto a small cartridge, possibly with a process involving pixie dust and prayer to cram it all in there. And then there’s Amiibos, figures modelled after the game’s characters that can be used in the game to access an AI fighter of the character in question and trained to go from clueless noob that couldn’t beat Glass Joe in a fight, to harder than Superman, Chuck Norris, Kenshiro, Saitama and Bruce Lee all in one (the Wii U version can do this as standard, the 3DS version needs an Amiibo reader sold separately), or simply serve as cool game memorabilia, which is what I do with them.

Graphics: 8       Fighters and most stages look great. Stage backgrounds and minor characters are less detailed or static, but this is a necessary evil, and therefore forgivable.

Sound: 9       Excellent soundtrack that takes songs from all over Nintendo history and immensely satisfying sound effects. Voices are passable and mostly restricted to battle grunts and the occasional taunt.

Gameplay: 8      The chaos may be initially daunting, but once it clicks, it reveals itself to be intuitive and deep.

Lifespan: 9         A massive character roster, lots of unlockables and modes, and online multiplayer means you’ll be here for a long time.

Overall: The definitive Smash Bros package, encompassing Nintendo’s past, present and even future all in a single game. All the care and effort that’s gone into the game is enough to offset the few minor complaints. The only worry now is what more can Nintendo possibly add for Smash 5 to top this?    9/10

Love Actually (2003)

Love Actually (2003)

Release Date: November 21, 2003

First, an apology. I had originally promised to review for Mother’s Day that movie with Julie Walters treating her son badly because she’s dying and wants to be happy when she does. Research told me that this film was called Driving Lessons, and that I was very confused about it. Julie Walters is not an abusive mother or dying, but an aging actress that Rupert Grint befriends to get away from his mother Laura Linney, who doesn’t have nearly as sympathetic a motivation as I thought, and is simply an emotionally abusive, hypocritical bully.

Rating: The movie I imagined sounded good, but wires got crossed somewhere/10

Next up was Silent Hill, which involves a mother searching for her missing daughter in the haunted town, and is notable for featuring a mainly female cast. This time, there was another problem. I had expected the film to be 2spooky4me, since it’s a horror film, but the DVD menu alone registered at 3spoopy5u, and once the film started it went even further beyond!

Rating - The Spook and the Scariest: Big Boo’s Drift/10

I now needed to find something light, fuzzy and unlikely to give me nightmares. Love Actually satisfies those criteria, so let’s go.

I must admit that prior to watching this film, I did not have much knowledge of what it involved. I thought it was one of those things everyone knew everything about from pop cultural osmosis, but it seems either I was mistaken, or it actually is and the osmosis somehow passed me by. Anyway, there isn’t an overarching plot as such. Rather, the film takes the form of an anthology featuring numerous characters, their relationships and the role love plays in their lives in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Some of the stories include aging rock star Bill Nighy making a comeback with a Christmas single that could be charitably described as craptacular, a nativity play that takes some creative liberties with the birth of Jesus, Alan Rickman having an affair (that’s the second time I’ve mentioned affairs here) and Liam Neeson struggling to cope with the death of his wife.

Why did life have to imitate art in this instance?

While there are a few stories that take a different angle, most are variations on a theme – man and woman meet each other, one or both can’t express their feelings to the other until they can and most of them live happily ever after. In this case, the anthology format does more harm than good, as most of the stories treading similar ground makes the film feel repetitive, and the more unique stories, or the ones that have more emotional potential to them aren’t given enough time to develop. The format also manages to waste its potential, as not much is done with the crossover idea- the characters of some stories are related to or friends with those from some of the other stories, and the characters from several stories go to the school play at the end, but they rarely interact with each other, and characters from one story influencing another story is even rarer. Off the top of my head, I can only think of two examples, both of which are at the climax, and a bit of a cheat at that, as the first is a minor character who had only appeared in one scene prior, and the other is on a television screen as opposed to being physically present at the scene. Perhaps the film would have been better off as a TV series, with each story getting an episode dedicated to it. This would have allowed the more dramatic or complex stories to get the breathing room they need, and maybe allowed for more substantial crossovers at the same time.

While there is plenty of cloying sentimentality to go around, the film is sometimes capable of stirring up genuine emotion. These scenes tend to belong to the more bittersweet stories, such as the Alan Rickman affair story (that’s 3) and the guy who’s in love with his best friend’s wife (I can’t blame him really. She is Keira Knightley after all, and I’m sure the guy she married prays every day that she doesn’t come to her senses and leave him following the realisation that a goddess like her married a mere mortal.) The same is true of the humour. A lot of it is a bit too twee and quaint to do more than raise a smile. (The porn stars in particular are a one-note joke that would have maybe been okay as a comedy sketch, but there’s nothing there for them to carry a story, which makes their joke suffer diminishing returns. And it wasn’t a particularly funny joke the first time.) On the other hand, there is some very funny stuff here, like the hare-brained scheme to get laid in America actually working, or anything with Rockstar Bill Nighy, who I’m honestly surprised hasn’t gotten his own spin-off. I would watch that. Again, it’s the more down to Earth, realistic feeling material that sticks out in the memory.

To sum up, Love Actually feels like the filmic essence of Valentine’s Day. Hollow and saccharine, but built on a great foundation that is capable of peeking through at times. I realise that makes me come off like such a grumpy bastard that pre-heart growing Grinch would think I’m too much, (One day, I will write a whole blog without taking a shot at myself. This is not that day) and it probably does come off as much harsher than I intended. I don’t regret watching this film, but after the hype as a modern Christmas classic, I was expecting more than the biggest cast of British all-star actors and actresses this side of a Harry Potter film putting together a two hour Hallmark video card.

5/10

Two more things to say about the modern Christmas classic part. One, it’s probably my fault for watching a Christmas film in March, so I might give it another chance when ‘tis the season. ITV2 will inevitably take a break from showing Hulk and Jurassic Park 3 on loop to show Love Actually on loop around them, so that won’t be a problem. Two, I’ve just spent over 1,000 words talking smack about a modern classic and probably angered a great many people. In which case, #DealWithIt.

TRAITOR!

(Tr 8r defeats the disloyal author with his sick spins.)

Love is the most important emotion of all, as without love we would not have loyalty. Without love, there would be only TRAITORS! Love is what allows the First Order to bring loyalty throughout the galaxy, which is why Love Actually is the most important holovid to have ever been recorded.

First Order rating: 10/10