Smash Battles for Fun and Profit

Smash Battles for Fun and Profit

With a massive roster of characters, Super Smash Bros provides endless possibilities for characters to fight each other. Naturally, you may want to come up with some sort of theme or connection with the characters you select to belt seven shades out of each other. Here are a few I made earlier.

Sega Does What Nintendon’t

Muda Muda Muda!

Take a trip down memory lane with this match-up to settle the console wars once and for all. It’s like 1993 never ended!

Fighters: Mario, Sonic

Theme Music: World 1-1 for Mario or Green Hill Zone for Sonic

No Items, Fox Only, Final Destination

You knew this was coming. Don’t try to deny it.

Fighters: As many foxes as you can.

Theme Music: What Does the Fox Say?

Waifu Wars

This instalment saw the addition of multiple new female fighters. Several were already popular candidates for waifus, hailing as they do from more niche Nintendo franchises such as Kid Icarus and Fire Emblem. Indeed, the latter has recently shifted focus from real-time strategy to waifu simulator, since the new approach starting with Fire Emblem Awakening drew more attention than the old one ever did. Their inclusion in Smash has given these characters attention from a much bigger audience than their home games granted them, which means so many more people to lust over them. Yay?

Fighters: Palutena, Lucina, Rosalina, Bayonetta, Wii Fit Trainer, Princess Peach, Zelda, Zero Suit Samus

Theme Music: I Could Never Be His Waifu

Husbando Hootenanny

In the interest of gender equality, it’s only fair to set up a fight between the male equivalent of waifus to determine the best husbando. Fun fact: all of these characters, at least in their Smash incarnations, have become gay icons. It must be the rippling muscles and testosterone for days. Just imagine what would happen if Ryu had his hunky beard from Street Fighter V in this game!

Fighters: Captain Falcon, Ganondorf, Ryu, Bowser, Ike, Little Mac, Shulk, Pit (The last two are the pretty ones, the rest form the Bara Beefcake Buff Bois Brigade)

Theme Music: YMCA

Console Wars, Round 2

Link VS Cloud is one of the greatest rivalries you can find, up there with Coca Cola VS Pepsi, Mickey Mouse VS Bugs Bunny, or McDonalds VS Burger King. The reason why this rivalry is so heated is that it’s essentially a proxy for Zelda: Ocarina of Time, considered one of the best games on Nintendo 64, VS Final Fantasy VII, considered one of the best games on Playstation. This means that by extension, it’s a new front for the Console Wars, representing the balance of power shifting away from Sega and towards Sony by the end of the 90s.

Fighters: Link, Cloud

Theme Music: Gerudo Valley for Link, Those Who Fight Further for Cloud

Ow the Edge

Nintendo may be known for a colourful, optimistic and family-friendly image, but this rogue’s gallery shows that they can get edgy with the best of them when they want to. From the angsty goth stylings of Dark Pit and Mewtwo, to Shadow trying too hard to be badass, and Mega Charizard, the fanfiction OC Pokemon that somehow became official, there’s something for everyone here. The winner gets to go over to Playstation All Stars Battle Royale and challenge Reboot Dante for the title of Edgelord! But be warned, he’s not giving up the crown without a fight!

Fighters: Dark Pit, Mewtwo, Mega Charizard X (Charizard’s Final Smash), Shadow the Edge – I mean, Hedgehog (Assist trophy)

Theme music: Linkin Park – Crawling in my Skin

Tactical Espionage Action

Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Solid Snake, the greatest son of Big Boss, and Raiden, the cyborg ninja who looked up to him? Unfortunately, you’re going to have to keep wondering, as Snake didn’t return from Brawl, and Raiden isn’t in the game. Unless you make Miis in their image, that is. In case you’re wondering, Raiden wins by default in canon since he’s still alive as of the end of Metal Gear Rising, while Snake dies offscreen between Metal Gear Solid 4 and Metal Gear Rising. Why did I even suggest this one?

Fighters: Solid Snake (Mii Gunner), Raiden (Mii Swordfighter)

Theme music: Oh wait, now I know why I suggested this. It’s so I could have an excuse to talk about Rules of Nature!

Animu Sordgai Showdown

What is it with Japan and pretty boys with spiky/blue hair (delete as appropriate) and swords? I don’t know, but what I do know is that there are enough of them in Smash that you can have fun making them all duke it out to see who’s the prettiest one of all.

Fighters: Link, Marth, Ike, Cloud, Shulk, Roy

Disqualified: Toon Link (He’s not animu enough), Lucina (She’s an animu sordgal)

Theme Music: Sword Art Online –Swordland. What better theme for a battle of animu sordgais than the theme song of Kirito, the archetypal animu sordgai all other animu sordgais aspire to be like?

Top Kek

This match is for memefags like me who wanted characters like Shrek, Goku and Cory in Smash. We should be thankful for the inclusion of Miis, which let us put whoever we want in the game. For maximum memeage, the fight would not be complete without Lanky Kong. The other memes better watch out, as they’ll be in big trouble once Lanky is able to Expand Dong. HE has no style, HE has no grace, this Kong will smash your face!

Fighters: Lanky Kong (Donkey Kong’s orange with blue tie palette) and whatever meme characters you want.

Theme song: City Escape Megamix, Spooky Scary Skeletons, Space Jam, or Darude - Sandstorm

Misty and Brock were the Best Companions

Like any long-running franchise, Pokemon has a rabid section of the fanbase that insists it was only good when it first came out and started to suck once they grew up. These fans are called Genwunners, and will happily tell you that they’ve run out of ideas for new Pokemon because there are now Pokemon based on inanimate objects such as ice cream, bin bags and keys. (Don’t bother telling them there have always been Pokemon based on inanimate objects, such as Magnemite the magnet Pokemon and Exeggcute the egg Pokemon. They get a pass for nostalgia reasons.) These fans worship as their patron saints Charizard and Mewtwo, the original badass Pokemon. What happens when their thrones are challenged by the new upstarts, Lucario and Greninja? With Pokemon celebrating its 20^th anniversary this year, there’s no better time than now to find out.

Fighters: Charizard and Mewtwo VS Lucario and Greninja

Theme song: The Elite Four Champion theme. Gen 1 here, Gen 4 here, Gen 6 here

Stiff Upper Lip

As the only fighters who have British accents, Shulk and Bayonetta are a refined gentleman and lady who find all this fighting rather nonsensical. Why can’t they just sit back in their favourite armchairs with a steaming hot cup of tea and a plate of fish and chips and discuss typical British topics of conversation such as the Beatles, Doctor Who and poor dental hygiene?

Fighters: Shulk, Bayonetta

Theme Song: God Save the Queen