Deadpool (2016)

Deadpool (2016)

 

Release date: February 10, 2016

IT DOESN’T SUCK! PRAISE JEBUS, IT DOESN’T SUCK! I’M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!

Oh, hello. I didn’t see you come in. I hope you will forgive that display of enthusiasm on my part. You may remember the review of X-Men Origins Wolverine I wrote a while back. In it, I used the sad music running joke, but I chose a song that I felt had a hint of hope for the future to it.

Specifically, this one.

I did this because I noted at the time that Deadpool, a fan favourite character whose portrayal in that film was notoriously poorly received, would be getting his own film that would hopefully turn out better. Here we are, some months on from that, and I was right to hope. What lessons has Deadpool learned since his last film appearance? Here to help me with that today is a very special guest. Please say hello to my guest…

Whoa, hold on there! I’ll be introducing myself here. Dear readers, you are being graced with the presence of the Merc with the Mouth himself, Deadpool! Cue the theme music.

Give me a D! Give me an A! Give me…

Right, that’s enough showboating. Who better to discuss this new film than its star? Wait, the people at home will need some way of telling us apart. How would you like a red font, Wade?

Sweet! My writing’s faster than yours! I am now using the race car of words! It’s such a shame there aren’t any go-faster stripes on that keyboard of yours. Anyway, I’m here to tell you about my awesome movie about me. You should have known it would be awesome, because I’m in it! Oh, before you bring up that other movie I was in - First rule of Staying Alive Club: Do not talk about that other movie I was in. Capische? So let’s get started with this mother!

Because the film is a new release, I’m not going to do the usual plot summary. Instead, I’ll just state that the basic plot involves Deadpool seeking revenge after a procedure to cure his cancer instead gives him a healing factor, at the cost of accelerating the cancer, disfiguring his appearance and driving him insane. The stakes are lower, but this means Deadpool is more relatable as a character because his quest is one that’s more personal to him, rather than a grand epic with the entire world at stake.

Aw, you’re just saying that to suck up because they wouldn’t let me be in The Avengers.

Another thing that I liked about the film was the creative way it opened with a big set piece action sequence, then cut back and forth from that to the beginning of the story and the events leading up to Wade’s empowerment. The opening serves the purpose of establishing the character of Deadpool and the tone the film will have, before showing the backstory after getting the audience’s interest and therefore having it mean more to the viewer.

It also means the audience doesn’t get bored and walk out before they get to the good bit.

That is an excellent point, Wade.

Someone tried that in the test screening, you know. I made sure they didn’t walk.

Out of the screening?

Sure, let’s go with that.

As I’m sure you would have expected from a Deadpool film, it’s very funny indeed. It’s made clear from the creative names in the opening credits that this is a film who’s primary concern is that you have fun watching it. However, what’s more impressive is that the film is capable of stopping the jokes when necessary and taking itself seriously. The plot threads involving Wade’s cancer and his insecurity in his appearance following his disfigurement are used as joke fodder, but there are also serious scenes that show their effects on Wade and make clear that all the jokes and silliness are just a defence mechanism. Deep down, Wade Wilson is a desperately unhappy man. That’s a level of depth that I did not expect from the film, and I’m very pleasantly surprised to see it here.

What, did you think that my movie would be nothing but me being wacky for 90 minutes? That is in fact a fair assumption to make.

Deadpool himself may be the focus of the film, but the other characters are well done too. The villain may not be particularly deep, but is he enjoyable as a boo-hiss pantomime asshole with no redeeming qualities that you love to hate. Colossus has more personality here than in all the X-Men films he’s in put together, and his characterisation as the jovial, chivalrous goody two shoes straight man helps him stand out among a cast of flawed people. Naturally, him being the Paragon to Deadpool’s Renegade gets made fun of more than once. (And yes, he finally gets the Russian accent.) Deadpool’s friends are shown to like and care for him a lot even if they communicate with him almost entirely in insults, and the relationship between Wade and his girlfriend Vanessa is something I liked a lot. They have a lot of sex, but they do mean a lot to each other emotionally as well, and their relationship feels more realistic than a lot of film romances because of that. I must say that you are a very lucky man Wade.

I am, aren’t I? Not like you, who will never know the touch of a woman.

Low blow, dude. I can get insecure about feeling unattractive to the opposite sex without your help, thank you very much. I’m not in the mood to keep going now, so let’s wrap this up. Wade, would you like to do the honours?

I certainly would. My awesome movie about me earns a score of four chiminchangas out of five!

Four? But we didn’t say anything bad. Why not five?

Because I ate one of them, and now I’m hungry. I never could stop at one. Om nom nom…

Stop eating! The score goes down when you eat!

Then why did you use a chiminchanga scale if you didn’t want me eating them?

You said you wouldn’t come on to do this otherwise! I knew I should have asked Colossus or Francis instead.

 That sounds stupid. The movie’s called Deadpool, not Colossus or Francis. Besides, Francis isn’t much of a talker. It used to be that you couldn’t get him to shut up, but he just hasn’t been the same since I shot him that one time. Can’t understand why either. I asked him, but he won’t talk about it. He must be really down about something because I think he’s stopped taking care of himself. He’s really starting to stink…

This didn’t exactly go to plan, did it? Anyway, Deadpool is a film that I can highly recommend for being a superhero movie that sets itself apart from the competition with a more down to earth tone and lots of humour, creativity and originality. I’ll be back next time for more. Alone, I might add…

Bye everyone! I’ve been great.

Kingdom Hearts

Kingdom Hearts

After looking at Friday the 13^th last week, I thought it would be nice to look at something on the opposite end of the scale. Something that was bright and colourful with an optimistic tone and no hockey masks in sight. In that respect, Kingdom Hearts fit the bill perfectly.

Kingdom Hearts tells the story of Sora, who lives on Destiny Islands with his friends Riku and Kairi, until the Islands are destroyed by the Heartless, separating Sora and his friends. Sora is given the Keyblade, a magical weapon that can defeat the Heartless and teams up with Donald Duck and Goofy (yes, that Donald Duck and Goofy,) who are searching for their missing ruler King Mickey, who set off on his own to battle the Heartless and hasn’t been seen since. The three form a close bond as they travel the various Disney worlds to find their friends and, in Sora’s case, restore his home.

The important part of that brief plot summary was the final sentence, specifically the bit about Disney worlds, as the big draw is the opportunity to visit the locales of various Disney films, such as Neverland, Agrabah, Wonderland and even Halloween Town. This is particularly apparent in this first game, which sold itself a lot more as a Disney crossover. As a result, the original elements are much more basic, as nobody was buying Kingdom Hearts for them. Nowadays, that’s no longer true, as the series has developed its own original cast of characters and a reputation for a convoluted storyline to surpass Metal Gear. The original elements weren’t always planned: a new character was created to be the hero as a compromise because Disney and developer Square couldn’t agree on whether Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck should be the main protagonist. The overarching plot may be more basic than later games, but on the plus side, all of the Disney worlds help advance it in some way, big or small, whereas in later games, many of the Disney worlds have only tangential relevance to the overall plot at best. Worth mentioning is that Kingdom Hearts 3 appears to be going back to this game’s style of having the Disney worlds be directly relevant – the plot of the Big Hero 6 world will involve Baymax coming back as a Heartless after sacrificing himself in an alternate dimension to save Hiro. This means that when Baymax removed his chip so that Hiro could escape, he willingly gave up his heart. As if the end of Big Hero 6 wasn’t upsetting enough already!

The worlds have been chosen carefully, with all of them offering a varied setting, as well as being a mix of older films and more recent selections from the 90s line-up. It works well in a game, as each corresponds to an archetypal game level setting. Agrabah’s the desert level, Tarzan’s jungle is the jungle level, Ariel’s undersea kingdom is the water level, and so on. The only thing missing is a slippery slidey ice world, which is forgivable since Frozen didn’t exist at the time the game was made. (On that note, Frozen in Kingdom Hearts 3 is inevitable. It’s no use getting worked up over it.) This means the adventure feels seamless and the crossover entirely natural. Each level also comes with various unique challenges, exploration opportunities, and puzzles, which are largely absent from later games, and reward the player here with new items or experience. The same variety extends to the Heartless. As well as some kinds that appear in most worlds, each world has types of Heartless that are unique to it. For example, Neverland has a crew of pirate Heartless led by Captain Hook, under the sea you’ll find jellyfish and diver Heartless, Halloween Town is haunted by ghost, mummy and gargoyle Heartless, and Tarzan’s jungle is home to Heartless monkeys, as well as a tricky boss fight with a Heartless chameleon that can turn invisible.

 

Aw, who’s a cute widdle world-kiwwing abomination? You are, yes you are!

 You're not. You're just a world-killing abomination.

In terms of combat, Sora has a basic keyblade combo which gets longer as he gets longer, and a set of spells that are upgraded upon reaching certain story milestones. He can also equip special abilities that let him throw his keyblade like a boomerang, charge around or perform an elaborate combo using MP. In addition, he fights alongside Donald and Goofy, as well as a fourth party member, who varies depending on the world and includes the likes of Aladdin, Peter Pan and Jack Skellington, all of whom come with their own abilities. The other party members are able to pull their weight in battle, even if they do sometimes get overly aggressive and get themselves knocked out unnecessarily. Fortunately, they’ll get back up after a period of time following defeat, and the game only ends if Sora is defeated, meaning that Sora’s safety should be your top priority. Sora also has a set of summons that can bring other Disney characters to your aid, but these aren’t all that useful, and you probably won’t use them much after the initial go when you obtain them for curiosity’s sake. However, Tinkerbell is an exception, as she steadily regenerates Sora’s health until he is defeated, at which point she revives him with full health before disappearing, making her game-breakingly good.

Unfortunately, there are some flaws to bring up. At times, it shows that this is the first in the series, most notably in the combat, which is quite slow and basic at this stage. In later games, it would get a lot faster and flashier, with impressive and varied combos possible, so the first game doesn’t hold up as well in retrospect. While the ability to explore the worlds is commendable, some worlds aren’t designed terribly well and are a chore to play through. It’s easy to get lost in the catacombs of Agrabah’s Cave of Wonders or the undersea caves. Halloween Town has only one save point right at the start of the world and in this game, party members can only be switched around at save points, which means going all the way back to the start to switch members around and effectively starting over, not to mention only being able to enter doors when all nearby enemies are defeated, unlike other worlds which allow you to flee without fighting if you’re injured or just in a hurry. The worst is Monstro, a maze of garish, nauseating pink rooms that’s liable to have players get lost trying to find the next objective, then get lost trying to retrace their steps, as well as causing biologists to cry themselves to sleep over the creative liberties taken with the insides of a giant cartoon whale. It doesn’t help that the controls are quite floaty and don’t lend themselves to precise movements, which you’ll need to do a fair bit of. On one hand, messing up a jump won’t kill you, but on the other hand, you will be dropped in another area and have to go all the way back to where you were for another go, which can take a while in some levels.

Worlds are selected from a map and travelled to using the Gummi Ship. This allows players to fly to each world, shooting down other ships and avoiding obstacles as they go. This quickly gets very tedious, as your ship travels very slowly, the courses are bland and blocky, the enemies fly towards you and rarely actively engage you in a dogfight, and the whole thing feels inconsequential. In addition, you’ll have to fly the Gummi Ship again to revisit previous worlds, and you can only go between two worlds at a time, so if you want to go from Agrabah to Neverland, you’ll have to stop at Halloween Town along the way, and set off again for Neverland from there. Worse, there are bonus missions you can do to achieve a certain task before reaching your destination, but they can be interrupted and cancelled through no fault of your own thanks to wormholes that warp you to other areas of the map or an untimely visit from Monstro. A short way into the game, your ship will be upgraded, allowing it to warp immediately to worlds you’ve previously visited. This is an absolute lifesaver, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll never fly the ship properly again. The Gummi Ship is another aspect that was improved significantly in the sequel, the dull flight courses were replaced by a fast-paced, visually spectacular rail shooter with much more aggressive enemies, and you’d only have to fly the course on your first visit to a new world, with the option to replay the course later if you want to.

Kingdom Hearts is a game that is still worth playing today, though being the first in the series means that it doesn’t hold up as well as some of the later games due to only having the basics down and not having everything in place yet. This is a game that sells itself on nostalgia for both Disney and the game itself, but as I started with Kingdom Hearts 2 and didn’t play this until years later, I don’t have that nostalgia, so the flaws are harder for me to overlook. It works well as a stand-alone game, but for someone who was curious about getting into the series as a whole, I would recommend Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep, as the gameplay is more in line with the rest of the series, it’s a prequel set 10 years before the first game, which means the story is pretty straightforward, and it’s a strong contender for the best game in the series.

Graphics:  8     The game does a great job of capturing the style of each Disney film featured and recreating it in 3D.

Sound:  8         Most of the voice acting, a mix of the original voice actors reprising their roles and sound-alikes, is pretty good. The music is very memorable, though some series staple tracks haven’t been introduced yet.

Gameplay:  7   The combat is basic and clunky at this stage, and would be refined later. Worlds allow more exploration than many other series entries, but can be a bit too maze-like.

Lifespan:  7      Decently long, with plenty of hidden chests and optional activities to discover. 

Overall:  Kingdom Hearts is a charming start to the series, though today it shows its age with how basic some aspects are that have been further developed in later games. 7/10

Friday the 13th (2009)

Friday the 13^th (2009)

Release Date: February 13, 2009

What better way is there to celebrate Valentine’s Day than with the tale of the love between a sociopathic serial killer and his vengeful deceased mother? Wait, there are loads of better ways of doing that, like a great big box of chocolates, or a meal at a fancy restaurant or getting laid. Come to think of it, this would be more appropriate for Mother’s Day. I did not think this through, did I? You heard it here first, on Mother’s Day I’ll do that movie where Julie Walters is dying of cancer and she’s really horrible to her son because she wants him to be happy when she dies. Now I just need to find out what that movie’s called.

The film starts on June 13, 1980 and sees a camp counsellor fleeing from a killer who took her revenge on everyone else at the camp because her son Jason drowned. Does this mean the film passes the Bechdel Test for having a scene where two women talk to each other about something without a male presence? While I’m wondering about gender relations in media, the counsellor overpowers her assailant and beheads her with the killer’s own machete before escaping. As she leaves, Jason comes on the scene having apparently not drowned after all and just watched his dear old mum die, which is something I’m sure will have no negative ramifications for anyone. Absolutely none whatsoever, no siree Bob.

Skipping forward to the present day, a group of teens head to Camp Crystal Lake for partying, sex and the copious supply of weed growing there, which they intend to sell, and thus make a fortune off it. As you’d expect, this doesn’t go to plan as Jason starts killing them all, presumably having been protecting his stash from Colombian drug cartels, and a group of hormonal teenagers is no match in comparison. Only Jason gets the dankest of kush.

 Smoke weed every day!

Six weeks after that slaughter, Camp Crystal Lake is visited once again, this time by Clay, whose sister was with the previous group and has come looking for her, and another group of rowdy teens led by Trent, who invites his friends to his father’s cabin for the weekend and comes to regret it when one of them, Jenna, chooses to help Clay instead of partying and the others make a mess of the place. Naturally, Jason starts to kill them all one by one too. During their search, Clay and Jenna see Jason dumping a body and run back to warn the others about him, but by the time they get back, only Trent is left alive, and he is soon killed by Jason despite having the foresight to be packing heat.

Clay and Jenna hide in a house which they discover to be Jason’s and hear screaming from underground. Investigation reveals that Jason has created a complex tunnel system across the entire camp, and he spared Clay’s sister, instead choosing to keep her captive because she looks like Jason’s mum. It seems Norman Bates isn’t the only mentally disturbed mummy’s boy in the horror pantheon. Clay rescues his sister, but Jason arrives and kills Jenna. The survivors’ escape leads them to a barn where Jason attacks Clay, but his sister calms Jason down, giving Clay the opportunity to slam a bear trap into Jason’s back, because Jason has been a very naughty boy with the whole killing people thing and you are grounded for three weeks, mister! The siblings work together to pin Jason down with his machete and strangle him by tying a hanging metal chain around his neck and feeding it into a wood chipper. Instead of feeding him the rest of the way into the wood chipper, they dispose of the body in the lake, which comes back to bite them when Jason inevitably comes back for one last scare. He does still need to take Manhattan after all. Personally, I liked it better when the Muppets took Manhattan.

Apparently the remake condenses the first four original films into one film. As someone who hasn’t seen any of the old Friday the 13^th films, this doesn’t mean a whole lot to me, though this would explain there being three periods and three groups of victims in the film if each one corresponds to one of the old films, though only the climax of Jason’s mum’s rampage is shown, with the rest being covered in her dialogue as she hunts down the final girl at the start. It is an interesting idea to do a retelling that introduces the iconic elements of the original films earlier, such as Jason’s hockey mask, which he didn’t originally get until the third film.

Jason poses a menacing presence throughout the film. He isn’t one for hugely elaborate kills, tending to prefer the brutal simplicity of hacking away at or stabbing his victims. Because of this, the focus tends to be on his victims trying to escape as he pursues them, seemingly unstoppable. This helps make him scarier and gives him a menacing aura, which is also helped by the fact that he doesn’t speak and therefore cannot be reasoned with, unless you look like his mum of course. The film never feels safe, because of the knowledge that Jason is never far away. Daylight is not enough to keep him away. He even has an unpredictable streak, as when the victims keep splitting up, sometimes he’ll go after the one who went ahead to investigate, and other times he targets the one who was told to wait where they are. He can even appear from almost anywhere, showing up ahead of his victims when they run to leave him behind. Normally, this would feel like a bit of a cheat, but the film does at least attempt to justify it with the tunnel system, so it’s not as if he can teleport whenever he isn’t on screen.

The film is the archetypal slasher movie, in that all the elements are present and correct. Most of the teens partake in drugs, alcohol, sex and general reckless behaviour, the characters keep splitting up long after it should have become clear safety in numbers would be a better idea, everyone explores the abandoned camp in the dead of night, and so on. There’s even the occasional topless scene. The closest thing there is to originality is Jason kidnapping Clay’s sister instead of killing her and her being able to control him to an extent, and with this being a remake that could well have been inherited from one of the older films. Despite this unoriginality, I did find myself getting quite into the film, shouting at the characters not to do stupid things that will get them killed, or trying to warn them when Jason is on the warpath. The predictable nature of the film helps it in that regard. Bearing that in mind, the film is at least smart enough to recognise that it’s not reinventing the wheel and therefore doesn’t take itself too seriously. The occasional bit of humour is a pleasant surprise, coming in the form of witty lines of dialogue and funny background events (the funniest one for my money involves one of Trent’s friends inviting Clay and Jenna to go wakeboarding with her and her male companion, while he furiously gestures at them to decline the offer because he wants to tap dat ass.) With that said, the humour only provides the odd bit of levity, it doesn’t overtake the film and turn the whole thing into a farce.

Friday the 13^th has precious little originality thanks to copying heavily from the Big Book of Slasher Movie Clichés, but what’s here is surprisingly well done, and short enough that it doesn’t overstay its welcome. For some undemanding fun on a Saturday night in, you could do a fair bit worse than this. All together now… ch ch ch, ah ah ah.

6/10