Friday the 13th (2009)
Release Date: February 13, 2009
What better way is there to celebrate
Valentine’s Day than with the tale of the love between a sociopathic serial
killer and his vengeful deceased mother? Wait, there are loads of better ways
of doing that, like a great big box of chocolates, or a meal at a fancy
restaurant or getting laid. Come to think of it, this would be more appropriate
for Mother’s Day. I did not think this through, did I? You heard it here first,
on Mother’s Day I’ll do that movie where Julie Walters is dying of cancer and
she’s really horrible to her son because she wants him to be happy when she
dies. Now I just need to find out what that movie’s called.
The film starts on June 13, 1980 and
sees a camp counsellor fleeing from a killer who took her revenge on everyone
else at the camp because her son Jason drowned. Does this mean the film passes
the Bechdel Test for having a scene where two women talk to each other about
something without a male presence? While I’m wondering about gender relations in media, the counsellor overpowers her assailant and beheads
her with the killer’s own machete before escaping. As she leaves, Jason comes
on the scene having apparently not drowned after all and just watched his dear
old mum die, which is something I’m sure will have no negative ramifications
for anyone. Absolutely none whatsoever, no siree Bob.
Skipping forward to the present day, a
group of teens head to Camp Crystal Lake for partying, sex and the copious
supply of weed growing there, which they intend to sell, and thus make a
fortune off it. As you’d expect, this doesn’t go to plan as Jason starts
killing them all, presumably having been protecting his stash from Colombian
drug cartels, and a group of hormonal teenagers is no match in comparison. Only
Jason gets the dankest of kush.
Smoke weed every day!
Six weeks after that slaughter, Camp
Crystal Lake is visited once again, this time by Clay, whose sister was with
the previous group and has come looking for her, and another group of rowdy
teens led by Trent, who invites his friends to his father’s cabin for the
weekend and comes to regret it when one of them, Jenna, chooses to help Clay
instead of partying and the others make a mess of the place. Naturally, Jason
starts to kill them all one by one too. During their search, Clay and Jenna see
Jason dumping a body and run back to warn the others about him, but by the time
they get back, only Trent is left alive, and he is soon killed by Jason despite
having the foresight to be packing heat.
Clay and Jenna hide in a house which
they discover to be Jason’s and hear screaming from underground. Investigation
reveals that Jason has created a complex tunnel system across the entire camp,
and he spared Clay’s sister, instead choosing to keep her captive because she
looks like Jason’s mum. It seems Norman Bates isn’t the only mentally disturbed
mummy’s boy in the horror pantheon. Clay rescues his sister, but Jason arrives
and kills Jenna. The survivors’ escape leads them to a barn where Jason attacks
Clay, but his sister calms Jason down, giving Clay the opportunity to slam a
bear trap into Jason’s back, because Jason has been a very naughty boy with the whole killing people thing and you are grounded for three weeks, mister! The siblings work together to pin Jason down with
his machete and strangle him by tying a hanging metal chain around his neck and
feeding it into a wood chipper. Instead of feeding him the rest of the way into
the wood chipper, they dispose of the body in the lake, which comes back to
bite them when Jason inevitably comes back for one last scare. He does still
need to take Manhattan after all. Personally, I liked it better when the Muppets
took Manhattan.
Apparently the remake condenses the
first four original films into one film. As someone who hasn’t seen any of the
old Friday the 13th films, this doesn’t mean a whole lot to me,
though this would explain there being three periods and three groups of victims
in the film if each one corresponds to one of the old films, though only the
climax of Jason’s mum’s rampage is shown, with the rest being covered in her
dialogue as she hunts down the final girl at the start. It is an interesting
idea to do a retelling that introduces the iconic elements of the original
films earlier, such as Jason’s hockey mask, which he didn’t originally get
until the third film.
Jason poses a menacing presence
throughout the film. He isn’t one for hugely elaborate kills, tending to prefer
the brutal simplicity of hacking away at or stabbing his victims. Because of
this, the focus tends to be on his victims trying to escape as he pursues them,
seemingly unstoppable. This helps make him scarier and gives him a menacing
aura, which is also helped by the fact that he doesn’t speak and therefore
cannot be reasoned with, unless you look like his mum of course. The film never
feels safe, because of the knowledge that Jason is never far away. Daylight is
not enough to keep him away. He even has an unpredictable streak, as when the
victims keep splitting up, sometimes he’ll go after the one who went ahead to
investigate, and other times he targets the one who was told to wait where they
are. He can even appear from almost anywhere, showing up ahead of his victims
when they run to leave him behind. Normally, this would feel like a bit of a
cheat, but the film does at least attempt to justify it with the tunnel system,
so it’s not as if he can teleport whenever he isn’t on screen.
The film is the archetypal slasher
movie, in that all the elements are present and correct. Most of the teens
partake in drugs, alcohol, sex and general reckless behaviour, the characters
keep splitting up long after it should have become clear safety in numbers
would be a better idea, everyone explores the abandoned camp in the dead of
night, and so on. There’s even the occasional topless scene. The closest thing
there is to originality is Jason kidnapping Clay’s sister instead of killing
her and her being able to control him to an extent, and with this being a
remake that could well have been inherited from one of the older films. Despite
this unoriginality, I did find myself getting quite into the film, shouting at
the characters not to do stupid things that will get them killed, or trying to
warn them when Jason is on the warpath. The predictable nature of the film
helps it in that regard. Bearing that in mind, the film is at least smart
enough to recognise that it’s not reinventing the wheel and therefore doesn’t
take itself too seriously. The occasional bit of humour is a pleasant surprise,
coming in the form of witty lines of dialogue and funny background events (the
funniest one for my money involves one of Trent’s friends inviting Clay and
Jenna to go wakeboarding with her and her male companion, while he furiously
gestures at them to decline the offer because he wants to tap dat ass.) With that
said, the humour only provides the odd bit of levity, it doesn’t overtake the
film and turn the whole thing into a farce.
Friday the 13th has precious
little originality thanks to copying heavily from the Big Book of Slasher Movie
Clichés, but what’s here is surprisingly well done, and short enough that it doesn’t
overstay its welcome. For some undemanding fun on a Saturday night in, you
could do a fair bit worse than this. All together now… ch ch ch, ah ah ah.
6/10
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