What If? Planning a Playstation Cinematic Universe

What If? Planning a Playstation Cinematic Universe

If you read my Ratchet and Clank review, you may remember that I referenced a scene that may indicate more Playstation films in future. The scene in question involves Clank scanning his databanks to determine Ratchet’s species, with two dismissed suggestions including Sly Cooper and Jak’s sidekick Daxter. The knowledge that there will be a Sly Cooper, coupled with this joke, led me to wonder if it would be followed by a Jak and Daxter film, then others (Assuming they get made, they’re going straight-to-DVD, if Ratchet and Clank crashing and burning is any indication, but I digress.) The idea escalated from there and quickly got ridiculous.

Introducing: How I would do the Playstation Cinematic Universe!

Has science gone too far? On this occasion, I daresay it has.

Phase 1

Uncharted

To start things off on the right track, you need to introduce audiences to a charismatic, snarky, yet likeable figure. Uncharted’s Nathan Drake is the perfect candidate as far as being Playstation’s Iron Man goes. His film borrows liberally, and I do mean liberally, from Indiana Jones, though it does at least have a contemporary setting and put its own mark on the treasure hunter niche. Fitting enough for a treasure hunter, as they go in search of old treasures. At the end, Drake is hired for a task by Gabe Logan from Syphon Filter, surprising everyone who was expecting a cameo from Uncharted 2’s Harry Flynn.

Jak and Daxter

This film introduces audiences to Jak, a young lad who’s been pumped full of nasty Dark Eco and developed a dark side that swears, is a dick to everyone and generally acts like a grumpy teenager. And then there’s Dark Jak. Heyooo! Did you like how I misled you into thinking regular Jak was the dark one? There’s also Jak’s friend Daxter, who was also infected with Dark Eco, except he turned into a little orange rodent instead. The duo must defeat Gol the Dark Eco Sage, as well as avoid the attention of Samos, who wants to punish the boys for disobeying him. Since Jak has the hots for his daughter Keira, this is easier said than done.

The film doesn’t do terribly well, and ends up being mostly forgotten, though it does have a few fans. Indeed, the main point of interest is the unexpected appearance of Nathan Drake near the end. However, the apathetic response does mean Jak 2 is unlikely to be made. To be honest, that’s for the best. Retooling your cutesy platformer into a dystopian Grand Theft Auto wannabe may have been audacious originally, but it doesn’t hold up very well at all, and is rather embarrassing today. In addition, the foreshadowed next villain Cyber Errol gets one-shotted by Nariko in a tie comic, and the rest of Jak’s supporting cast vanishes into the ether.

Daxter was an annoying little bugger anyway

Uncharted 2

So Jak and Daxter didn’t really pan out. Back to safer ground with Nathan Drake for Uncharted 2 then. This time, Nate faces off against the loony Eastern European war criminal Zoran Lazarevic, who is searching for the lost city of Shambhala and the legendary secrets surrounding it. Also included are the introduction of Nate’s brother Sam, Heavenly Sword’s Nariko, who has been appointed by Gabe Logan to keep an eye on Nate, and an alcoholism subplot. As such, there’s barely any room for the main plot, and Lazarevic is not a happy bunny at the end of it. At least they killed him off so that there’s no possibility of him coming back anyway. Foreshadowing this time around includes the Blades of Chaos being in Nate’s treasure room for some reason and a scene at the end where Gabe Logan visits an amnesiac young girl and her pet cat as the duo wake up in the middle of nowhere…

Gravity Rush

The girl and cat duo at the end of Uncharted 2 are Kat and Dusty of Gravity Rush fame. Kat has gravity powers which she uses to protect the town of Hekseville until she ends up being banished thanks to the scheming of her rival Raven. Kat must now learn what it means to be a true hero, find her way home and defeat Raven, which she manages to do by banishing Raven elsewhere. This film’s cameo is given to Lazarus Jones from Ghosthunter, who observes Kat from the shadows during one of her battles against Raven.

God of War: The First All-Star

Going back in time to ancient Greece is God of War. This film tells the story of Kratos, a decorated general of the Spartan army who gives himself to Ares when on the verge of death. Ares accepts and fashions Kratos into the ultimate warrior, part of which involves severing Kratos’ attachments and morality by making him kill his wife and daughter while in an uncontrollable rage. Guess how well that works out for Ares. Go on, guess. At the end of the film, Ares is destroyed when Kratos opens Pandora’s Box, but in an unforeseen side effect, Kratos is transported to the present day with no way of going home. Now all the pieces are in place for the big crossover movie.

Playstation All-Stars

Having signed on Nathan Drake and already having Nariko and Lazarus Jones on the payroll, Gabe Logan goes out to hire Jak, Kat and Kratos, and not a moment too soon, as Raven’s back! Turns out Kat banished her to the Chimeran homeworld, and Raven built an army of Chimera before coming to Earth to get her revenge. The Playstation All-Stars spend a lot of the movie bickering amongst each other until Raven kills Gabe’s subordinate and beloved minor character Lian Xing. Don’t worry, she’s not really dead, she comes back to life in time to get her own spin-off! Lian’s death brings the team together properly and they kick the Chimeran invasion force six ways from Sunday (Literally, in Kat’s case.) At the end of the film, it is revealed that Raven’s benefactor for the Chimeran army was Daedalus, the villain of Resistance 2. He smirks at the upcoming challenge, but stays in his snazzy space chair for the time being.

Phase 2

Uncharted 3

After Playstation All-Stars made more money than God, video game movies go mainstream. Capitalising on this new surge of interest is Uncharted 3, which goes on to make more money than the first two put together, but not God this time, despite being a highly divisive film for several reasons. The plot involves Nathan Drake investigating the legend of Iram of the Pillars, only to be pursued at every turn by the Illuminati, leading to numerous Illuminati Confirmed jokes. The Illuminati are led by Catherine Marlowe (think Helen Mirren if she were evil) – at least, until the big twist where it turns out she’s not really the leader of the Illuminati, she’s just an actress pretending to be the leader, and the real leader is her henchman Talbot. The twist doesn’t go down well, because Marlowe is so much more charismatic and interesting than Talbot, who is yet another evil counterpart of Nate (We’re up to about 5 at this point), and quickly becomes a joke. Nate says at the end that he’s retired, but nobody believes him for a second. Worse, he says this to Jak, which only gets people asking why didn’t Jak help Nate with the Illuminati?

Gravity Rush: The World Pillar

After befriending the other All-Stars in the crossover film, Kat goes home to Hekseville, where she gets curious about how far down from the floating city she can go, and is joined by Raven, who insists that she’s turned over a new leaf. They eventually find that the Nevi jewel thief Alias is down there creating gravity storms that take away the girls’ gravity powers, but they don’t need them to beat him up. It turns out at the end that, no, Raven hadn’t reformed after all, she just wanted Alias out of the way so that she had less competition for taking over Hekseville herself, and figured that getting Kat’s help would get Kat off her back, and she wouldn’t suspect a thing when Raven makes her move. Just to make doubly sure, Raven also disguises herself as Kat’s mentor Gade.

This film isn’t all that popular either, between the further increased focus on Raven, Officer Syd’s comic relief role getting old and a forgettable villain. Whisper it – Is the Playstation Cinematic Universe broken?

God of War: The Ghost of Sparta

No, it isn’t broken, as God of War: The Ghost of Sparta ends up being a major return to form. Kratos gets misty-eyed over the good old days in Sparta, as he’s not sure what to do with himself now that barbarian hordes and mythical creatures are a thing of the past, literally, and he’s worn out his 300 DVD from watching it too much. At least he has a sort of kindred spirit in Nariko. That’s when he finds out that his brother Deimos, thought killed as a child for being frail and sickly, was in fact taken by Zeus and trained as a living weapon to destroy the enemies of the Greek Pantheon. Since Kratos killed Ares in the last film, he’s now number 1 on Zeus’ hit list, and thus the stage is set for the most violent family reunion you can imagine. On a side note, Gabe Logan and his agents were all pawns of Zeus, and not actors pretending to be pawns of Zeus, so Kratos kills them all, though he can’t bring himself to kill Deimos, and Zeus takes advantage of this moment of weakness to defeat Kratos himself. The post-credits scene sees the Fireflies operating on two people, a teenage girl and a man in his fifties. The leader of the Fireflies, Marlene, refers to their patients as “The Last of Us.”

Ratchet and Clank: Fiends with Benefits

After the game-changing last film, it’s time for a break in the shape of something lighter in a new setting. This means Ratchet and Clank are lucky enough to get a second chance. Their first adventure isn’t being adapted again, as this isn’t Spider-Man after all. Instead, the new film adapts the story of Ratchet and Clank: All 4 One, which involves Ratchet, Clank, Captain Qwark and Dr Nefarious being captured by the space station Ephemeris and taken to the zoo planet Magnus. The friends, enemy and whatever Captain Qwark is to the others must temporarily work together to escape Magnus and find a way home, while avoiding recapture by the masterminds behind the zoo, Drs Croid and Binklemeyer, and their pet Mr Dinkles, who it turns out is brainwashing the scientists to do his bidding. Daedalus visits the zoo, but it’s his day off, so he doesn’t do anything.

Playstation All-Stars: Age of Polygon Man

The All-Stars come back together for the sequel – well, most of them anyway, no Ratchet and Clank yet. Having gotten sick of people asking him why he didn’t ask Jak to help him fight the Illuminati in Uncharted 3, Nathan Drake has used a Blast Core he found on an off-screen expedition to create a new All-Star to hang around with. Unfortunately, Polygon Man quickly turns evil and threatens to take over the world. On the plus side, they do find new recruits in the form of Joel, Ellie and Knack, although Joel ends up getting shot to death by Polygon Man saving Lazarus Jones. Bugger.

This film ends up being very controversial, partly for failing to live up to the first one, as Polygon Man completely fails at being intimidating, there’s too much going on, and the Fireflies are wasted, showing up only to be killed of 20 minutes in, and partly for issues regarding Nariko. Between the crack pairing with Jak being met with outrage led by bitter Keira fans who still haven’t given up on her coming back, to the sterile monster line that was interpreted a whole bunch of different ways, all of which angered someone, the poor girl is now nobody’s favourite All-Star. At least people are still demanding that she get her own film, for what it’s worth.

Daedalus appears at the end, but again he doesn’t do anything. He says he’s totally going to do something next time though, for realises!

Sly Cooper

Surprising everyone who thought a Playstation All-Stars movie meant the end of the phase, the master thief Sly Cooper steals that honour. His quest, to steal back his prized family heirloom the Thievius Raccoonus, a book containing thieving techniques passed down through the Cooper clan for generations, from the Fiendish Five, a criminal gang who stole the book and killed his parents. Hot on his tail is Inspector Carmelita Fox, a spunky police officer who hates crime and all criminals, even the honourable ones, and won’t shy away from keeping her itchy trigger finger on her shock pistol. This film does better than expected despite the last minute departure of the director, which is attributed to the dreaded words, Creative Differences. The leader of the Fiendish Five, Clockwerk, is actually the leader and not just an actor pretending to be the leader.