Suicide Squad Abridged Script
One of the big film events of the year has been the DC Cinematic Universe kicking off in earnest. With moviegoers desperate for someone, anyone to challenge Marvel's dominance, who better than their eternal rival DC? That was the theory, at least. The reality was that both Batman Vs Superman and Suicide Squad faced troubled production periods and negative reviews on release. What's more, the huge opening box office couldn't be sustained as well as was hoped, since for everyone who saw these films and loved them, there were just as many who saw them and wished they hadn't. As usual, I'm out of the loop, so I thought for once, I'd make a game out of what I've picked up through pop-cultural osmosis regarding Suicide Squad, and have a stab at topical humour in the process. About the only thing I haven't squeezed in is a Donald Trump joke, but there are plenty of those elsewhere, so I hope I'll be forgiven for missing an opportunity. If you've seen Suicide Squad, please let me know how close I am to the actual film, or if I'm way off and not funny at all.
(Amanda Waller and Rick Flag are sitting
at a restaurant table talking to each other.)
Amanda Waller: So I watched Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
the other day and it gave me a great idea.
Rick Flag: Do tell.
Amanda Waller: I found a woman possessed
by an ancient sorceress, cut out her heart and kept it on me so I could control
her with it and make her do my bidding. But would you believe it, she stole the
heart and turned into a Big CGI Monster with an army of blueberry head zombies.
Rick Flag: So the villain you had
working for you against her will did a villain thing? You should have seen that
coming and yet you didn’t. I thought you were clever.
Amanda Waller: And I thought you were
going to be played by Tom Hardy.
Rick Flag: He already got to be Bane in The Dark Knight Rises. Warner Bros
wouldn’t let him be two DC characters.
-----
(Amanda Waller gets her Suicide Squad
prepped for their mission)
Amanda Waller: Your mission is to defeat
the big CGI monster and her army of blueberry head zombies, and you all have
skills that will be useful for this mission. I’ll list you all so that you can
get to know each other, and you can all have theme songs too. Deadshot.
Deadshot: Will Smith as a villain? Say
what? I can’t be too evil though. I am Will Smith after all.
Amanda Waller: Harley Quinn.
Harley Quinn: I’m here to sell Hot Topic
merchandise and give hormonal teenagers someone to drool over!
Amanda Waller: Killer Croc.
Killer Croc: For Halloween, I’m going as
myself.
Amanda Waller: Captain Boomerang.
Captain Boomerang: Holy dooly! Throw
another shrimp on the Barbie mate!
Amanda Waller: Katana.
Katana: I’m not a villain, so I don’t
even know why I’m here! Unless there are pirates to fight?
Amanda Waller: Guy who turns into fire
demon god thing.
El Diablo: I feel like I’m the only
person here who isn’t woefully underqualified for this mission. I mean, how are
a crazy former psychiatrist with a baseball bat, a guy who shoots things, and a
guy who throws boomerangs –
Captain Boomerang: Fecking boomerangs,
get it right!
El Diablo: …going to be useful for
fighting a Big CGI Monster? What do you think, Rope Man?
Rope Man: I… (Rope Man’s head explodes)
Captain Boomerang: It sure does suck
that Batman beat me to Batarangs. They should have been mine! At least I still
have Superangs, Wonder Worangs, Aquarangs…
Deadshot: He’ll be like this for a
while, won’t he?
Amanda Waller: Any questions?
Harley Quinn: Is Lego Batman: The Movie canon?
Katana: What about Green Lantern?
Captain Boomerang: Arrow?
Killer Croc: The Dark Knight Trilogy?
-----
(The Suicide Squad get ready to fight
the Big CGI Monster)
Deadshot: We can beat the Big CGI
Monster with the real superpowers of teamwork and friendship!
Captain Boomerang: Screw that, I’m outta
here!
The Flash: Halt evildoer!
Captain Boomerang: I didn’t know the
Flash was in this picture!
The Flash: Neither did I until this
morning, but here I am with time to spare! Super speed is so useful even in my
day to day life.
Captain Boomerang: While I remember, I
gotta ask: Is Stephen Amell nice in person? (Captain Boomerang gets arrested)
-----
(El Diablo turns into Fire Demon God
Thing and fights Big CGI Monster)
El Diablo: We are Gr… I mean, we are
Suicide Squad.
Big CGI Monster: No, it doesn’t work
like that! You’ve been speaking normally this whole time, you can’t just start
doing Pokemon speak now! If you said one phrase the whole movie and then said
another at the end, maybe it would mean something, but this is meaningless!
El Diablo: What’s Pokemon? It’s not the
90s any more.
Big CGI Monster: Fine, Pokemon Go. How’s
that?
El Diablo: Aw, I love Pokemon Go! How
many eggs have you hatched? Are there any Poke Spots around here? What team are
you on?
Big CGI Monster: Team Mystic.
El Diablo: Hold up. That’s a weird way
of saying Team Valor you have there. I don’t want to be your friend any more.
Big CGI Monster: Are you going to buy Sun and Moon?
El Diablo: Of course not! Do you think
I’m a weirdo or something? The new Pokemon are things like bin bags, ice cream
and keys!
Big CGI Monster: And Generation 1 had
eggs, balls and piles of sludge. What’s your point?
El Diablo: My point is normal people
like Pokemon again. It’s no longer a sad thing for saddos like you.
Big CGI Monster: “Normal people?” That’s
rich coming from a guy who turned into a fire demon god thing!
-----
(Amanda Waller nukes El Diablo and Big
CGI Monster)
Amanda Waller: Honestly, I should have
done that from the start. Besides, everyone knows Team Instinct is the best.
Anyway, which of you wants to turn evil in the sequel?
Killer Croc: Ooh ooh, me next! I turned
into Godzilla in Arkham Knight, so
maybe I could fight Gorilla Grodd, and we could all make Harambe jokes! The
movie would be called Suicide Squad 2:
Killer Croc Vs Gorilla Grodd: Dawn of Animal Themed Supervillains Twat Each
Other For 3 Hours. The title’s a work in progress.
Harley Quinn: Will anyone remember
Harambe by the time the sequel comes out?
Joker: How could you, Harley? This is
Harambe we’re talking about here! Harambe lives on in all of our hearts! (Joker
slaps Harley) I do this for your own good, you know.
Harley Quinn: You’re right, silly me.
Harambe is the best! Do you want to do drugs now?
Deadshot: You do drugs?
Joker: I’m a method actor, and I thought
I’d be able to stop doing drugs once Requiem
for a Dream finished filming. I was wrong. That’s what the Damaged tattoo
on my forehead stands for.
Katana: Hi, I’m a big fan, love your
work. Can we be partners in not knowing why we’re in this film? Turns out there
were no pirates for me to fight.
Joker: As long as I get a theme song.
-----
Amanda Waller: Oh crap! I forgot about the
blueberry head zombies! I just nuked a whole load of innocent people!
Technician: Never mind that, when are
you going to do Beautiful Creatures 2?
(Is shot)
Batman: My rich person in trouble signal
went off, so I’m here to bail you out.
Amanda Waller: Why thank you, though I’m
not sure why you’re doing this.
Batman: I want you to owe me after this.
Amanda Waller: How about I get you a
glass of water? You must have a throat like sandpaper from doing the Batvoice
all day.
Batman: No, it’s fine. Aquaman gives me
water from his trident. It’s great. You know the best part? Whenever he does
it, he says “This looks like a job for Aquaman.” It never gets old. I liked you
in Prisoners, by the way. (Amanda
Waller rolls her eyes that people keep remembering the films she didn’t enjoy
doing.)
-----
(Deadshot is in prison counting all the
money he got from doing this film.)
Deadshot: I totally made the right call
doing this film over Independence Day 2. I’ll
get to occupy myself counting money for longer.
Captain Boomerang: What are you in for?
Deadshot: You know what I’m in for. You
were there!
Captain Boomerang: No I wasn’t. I ran
away, remember?
Deadshot: Now, where was I? Ah, yes. 50%
can go to Scientology, and the other 50% can go to my son. Or is it my
daughter? Oh, I don’t know! I don’t want to misgender. Do I call him Jaden, or
her Janine? This is so frustrating! Wait a minute, I just remembered I have
another kid! I’ll put on the envelope “To my kids.” There, sorted!
Prison Guard: You have visitors.
Rocket Raccoon: Oi! Now I’ve heard that
this bunch of wankers has been going around ripping us off! Tell ‘em what we
think about it Groot!
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket Raccoon: You’re goddamn right, I
am Groot!
-----
That's that, then. I knocked this out in about an hour as ideas kept coming to me, and hopefully I've wasted significantly less of your time as you read this. If it goes down well, I might do more sometime. No Ghostbusters remake though. There's enough ideological baggage attached to that film that just mentioning it is enough to invoke a flame war, regardless of one's political views, their opinion of the film's quality, or their stance on any messages the film does or doesn't embody.
Bugger, I just mentioned it now while saying I wouldn't mention it. Sorry... (Prepares flame shield)
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